Free advise and worth every penny

It was a mistake to drink that third cup of Starbucks.

I knew it as soon as the vile brown teeth-staining fluid sullied my lips. This week I have hovered in the nether-region between illness and good health, too tired and sullen to exercise but too healthy to have anyone or anything to blame for it. When I'm in that mood, a third cup of coffee is not in my best interest. Now I feel like I have two hundred rabid parakeets clawing and fluttering in my brain, threatening to explode out my sinuses at any moment.

The parakeet simile is overwrought, of course, but it is not soothing at all to walk into my office after a pleasant and tranquil morning at the endoscopy center and be faced with lots and lots of the usual: "Mr. Jones is furious that you said he drank too much", "Mr. Smith wants you to say its OK for him to skip his colonoscopy because he hasn't seen anymore bleeding for a while", "the Blessed Fields of Dreams insurance wants you to rewrite all your prescriptions to some other drug that they get for less this month", "a patient is suing somebody who hit her with a car and wants you to say that her irritable bowel syndrome is all the plaintiff's fault" and so on and so on.

As I said, that third cup was not wise. I drank it anyway because I have an addictive personality and I just couldn't help it, but I knew it was a mistake.

"Hey Doc, I know of a blogger you would really enjoy. She's brilliant, writes well, and has read every book in the English literature. She's a little to the left of center but I'm sure you'll enjoy her anyway", says a nurse at the endoscopy department. Fine then, I'll check it out. I need something to relax me a little.

The website is nothing more than tired recycled unimaginative Bush-bashing liberal tripe. There are two things that this world just doesn't need anymore of, yes, even three things: No more pseudo-elitist producing liberal tripe, no more pseudo-rednecks producing more conservative tripe, and no more foul cranky doctors kvetching to the world because he's tired, a little peevish, and overdosing on caffeine.

Now that I've cleared the air, let me offer some suggestions on what I think an enjoyable blog would include:

1) Straight party lines are BORING!!! Try to mix it up a little. That was what was so endearing about Hunter Thompson: he was a liberal who enjoyed a huge armory of weapons and loved to shoot animals and blow things up. Imagine, a liberal who is a gun nut, or a conservative who is terrified of them (such as myself). Good stuff.

2) Open yourself to the possibility that people who think or feel differently on things than you might actually have good reasons for doing so. Well-reasoned political writers of any stripe are in short supply, but they are out there. If you're a liberal, for example, make yourself read one David Brooks column a week. It won't hurt that much. Honest.

3) If you rant about how much you hate the hatemongers, it makes you look like a total idiot. Rethink your strategy.

4) Try poking some fun at yourself for a change. Never rag on someone with criticism that you couldn't possibly think would ever apply to you. Admit that you can be hypocritical, self-serving, mean-spirited, or just plain wrong. You'll feel better about yourself, and everyone else knows it anyway.

5) Never post when you are caffeine-toxic.